just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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