Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
