Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
