I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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