Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sober January is a disaster.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
