I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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