why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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