to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
