Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
