uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
