It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
