I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
