There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.