i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
