my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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