I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
