she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
