so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
