that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.