What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"