I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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