Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
