if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!