at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
