Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
