I'm so fucking centered right now
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When did angry sex become our thing?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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