1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
