i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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