well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
