What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
