it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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