I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
