So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He passed out mid-signature
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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