I want to walk on stilts...naked
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
