1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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