he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
