hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
