So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
