I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
