can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
