just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
