that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
