You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
