mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
