She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
