Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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