She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Randomize
