you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
