Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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