Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
