Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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