My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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