Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
