he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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