Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
