We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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