I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
