Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
