you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
